Yes! I DO!

In wedding affairs, guys are often, if not afterthoughts, at least relatively neglected Yet we’re half of the show, so to speak. And thus, I demand an equal part in the wedding planning. It seems to be reversed emancipation. Men standing up for their rights. I envision men picketing for an equal voice in the wedding planning, threatening to call of the show, if they don’t get an equal vote. Grooms giving speeches that begin with “I had a dream…” Okay, maybe not. Luckily I have a very open-minded girlfriend, correction fiancée, who not only minds me getting my part in the wedding planning, but actually expects it.

Many men do not like to think about the wedding planning though, not even where their own part is concerned. I take clothing as an example. Now, men want to look their best for their wedding. They do not want to let down their brides. They are dimly aware that there are traditions that somehow govern these things, and they feel a vague desire to follow those traditions. But they are not sure what the traditions are, or where to turn to find out.

I did have a good sense of what I wanted, and to my relief, it happens to be what my fiancée wants as well, which is a formal wedding. And with a formal wedding comes formal wedding attire. Formal weddings are going rapidly out of style, in the BENELUX anyway. Many brides, but especially grooms cringe at the thought of having to put them in formal attire. Which is a shame, really, because they miss the advantages of formal attire, focusing only on the negatives.

A Cigar Aficionado article titled “Going Formal” once observed that one of the primary drawbacks of discarding rules for appropriate dress is that “unbridled freedom often leads to chaos, confusion, frustrations and terrible insecurity.” Debrett's New Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners - Britain's authoritative etiquette guide – echoes these sentiments in the quotation at the top of this page. However, the book's author also points out that the tide is turning:

This is because of two fundamental human instincts that have been overlooked by the slobs. One is the ancient need of people to decorate themselves, which started long before the first murmuring of civilisation and continues today. The other is our very natural wish to please others, be admired by our peers and attract a mate. Add to this the security that a few unwritten rules can bring, and the enduring need for dressing up becomes clear.

In addition to providing clarity and self-confidence, prescribed attire also helps to generate a sense of occasion. It is therefore ironic that the appearance of the dress codes on an invitation causes panic in so many men. Grooms of the world unite! Formal dress not only gives a beautiful harmony to a wedding, it also shows you as a true Gentleman (note the capital G). Wear it proud, and you show the world that the wedding is as important to you as it is to her. You show everybody that she accompanies you, a true and proper Gentleman, instead of a boy, sadly lacking in style or sense of etiquette to show up in daily business attire.

Ok back to the clothing. As I said I had a pretty good sense of what I wanted, and what it would entail. However, I am not a walking encyclopedia and and if I had to convey to others (at least the witnesses, master of ceremony and my parents) what I wanted, I needed to be sure about the dress codes. As with anything on the web though, information is sadly confusing and contradicting. After quite a bit of research I know more about dress codes than I would have liked. For those of you that want to know, and for those family members, friends and acquientences reading this, a quick lesson in dress etiquette.

Formal and semi-formal each have their own sets of rules based on time of day. Informal is mostly the same all day and night.

Most weddings are in the daytime, so it makes sense to start here. Plus, it’s chronological.

The traditional garb for the groom and the wedding part and even the guests is the morning coat. This is the granddaddy of all male wedding attire.

Strictly speaking, this garment is not merely wedding wear. It’s formal day wear, worn for any ceremonial occasion in daylight hours that requires full dress. However, aside from a tea party at Palace Noordeinde, or a diplomatic reception, few will ever wear it aside from a wedding or funeral, if ever.

The configuration of the morning suits is as follows: the most traditional version has peaked lapels and only one front button. There are other configurations as well. I wouldn’t exactly call them incorrect, but I would steer you to one-button peak, as it is the most formal and classic. And in any case, you won’t be able to find anything else unless you go to a bespoke tailor. Not that finding a morning coat off the rack is exactly easy these days.

Color: (this is important!): It can only be black or gray. And if gray, either oxford gray, or else a mid-gray which I will get to in a moment. Oxford gray is a very dark gray that looks almost black. So why not just make it black? What’s the difference? Well, maybe not much. But apparently the gray version takes the light better.

The trousers are a special kind of stripe that Savile Row tailors call “cashmere stripes” even though they have always been wool and never cashmere. It’s a fancy, black, gray and silver multistripe. Alternatives include a dark ground chalk stripe or a fancy check:
Always stay in the gray-silver-black family, however.

Now, there is an alternative. The mid grey coat I mentioned takes matching trousers. This “morning suit” was once considered too informal for anything but the racetrack.
In more recent years, this outfit has come to be seen as acceptable for a summer wedding:
The trousers don’t take cuffs. Cuffs are, in fact, never suppose to be seen on formal wear. A vest is included. It can be single or double breasted, but double looks much better. The color should be light: either dove gray or off white or (perhaps best of all) “buff”, a sort of creamy yellow. The traditional material was linen, but wool boxcloth will do, and might be better for winter. One caveat: the vest should match (same cloth) the coat and trousers. So if one is wool, all of them are. Modern combinations often show a morning coat with silk vest. While technically incorrect, it can look fantastic.

Shirts are a fraught question. The traditional shirt was a wing collar formal shirt, worn with an ascot. Wing collar shirts are called ‘father murderers’ in the Netherlands for good reason, proper ones (detachable and well stiffened) chafe and are uncomfortable. Also there are few companies who still make them, or clean them for that matter (with proper stiffening)

Not so practical. The good news is that there is an alternative. A turn down collar shirt—that is, a shirt that looks much like a business shirt—is perfectly acceptable and elegant alternative.

The truly correct footwear with a morning coat is a pair highly polished dress balmoral boots or jodhpur boots.

Top it of with fob or pocket watch cane, gloves and top hat (should match the dress), spats are a traditional accessory as are a white linen handkerchief.

As for the guests: Just as a host or hostess can show consideration towards guests by providing clear dress guidelines, so does a guest return the favor by being mature enough to honor them. As Debretts author John Morgan so eloquently points out “by being seen to make an effort you are paying your host or hostess a great compliment, as well as making yourself look your most attractive. After all, the short time required for getting yourself dressed is negligible compared with the hours the hostess might have put in preparing the party.”

The next blog entry is going to be about the formal evening attire.