Yes! I DO!

According to Peggy Post's Wedding Etiquette book, one of the first and foremost items of wedding planning is compiling a guest list. It is also one of the most sensitive parts of the wedding planning. Who is invited and who isn't. Which family members and friends or acquaintances are invited the day and evening, and which only for the daytime ceremonies.

The list is important, as it defines everything else. How much room do you need in the church, for the reception, and foremost, how big does the budget need to be. With the reception generally being around 40-50% of the wedding budget, the number of guests do make a huge impact. And with the budget being fixed (more or less) it defines how much you can or can't do.

Every family has it issues, and ours are not an exception. The question then becomes, do I invite this cousin or that uncle and try to heal the rifts or do I keep them of the list and potentially create further reasons for animosity. Is the budget a reason for refusing some family members or should it just be personal preference.

While I think every couple faces these issues, our should I say wrestles with, the list hasn't been easy for us. We didn't have major arguments (luckily, for it would be an bad start to argue on the first item that needs to be resolved), but it has made some interesting discussions. One such discussion was if children should be invited or not. Well, it wasn't really a discussion, more a monologue from my side, since my fianceé was already decided on the matter, children should always be invited. In fact, they don't have to be invited, since an invitation to the family automatically implies the children are welcome. Now I have nothing against children, and would love to have a few of my own, I don't think weddings are necessarily the best place for them. Sure they look cute, but only until they start getting bored and they either start playing with food, start crying or generally start being obnoxius.

But a family is a family, and a family includes children. So we invite the children (and cross our fingers and hope for the best), and we invite uncles and aunts, even if they barely acknowledge our existence, never send a christmas card and don't even know our birthdays. Because after all, what is a wedding without family.

So here we are, talking groom attire. We have chosen a formal wedding, which is reflected in our dress code. For a formal wedding that mean Morning Suit or Morning Dress during the day, which I discussed in the previous article and White Tie in the evening, which I will discuss in this.

Women should never wear white-tie. Such would be a sever breach of etiquette. Marlene Dietrich could get away with it though.

Formal attire of any kind is often seen as a burden, especially by men. Women on the other hand seem to enjoy the whole process of shopping for that perfect dress, shoes (just another excuse to look for a pair), and accessories. A woman wants to look good on any special occasion. Men on the other hand don’t seem to care most of the time. However the tide is turning. Men’s fashion and health magazines are on the rise and so are men’s clothing stores. Under the influence of icons such as David Beckham, men are encouraged and assured that looking after oneself is not a crime.

In the wedding world that fashion hasn’t penetrated yet however. There is only one groom magazine in the Netherlands, as opposed to at least a dozen for brides and weddings in general. In those magazines men still have a minor role. That is not only the fault of the men, but it will take some male interest in their own weddings to change it. Women spend a lot of time and effort in their appearance during the big day. The least we could do is look the part as well. That doesn’t mean you have to choose a formal wedding as we did, but DO spend some time and effort in your wedding attire.

White Tie is the traditional evening wear. The less formal alternative is Black Tie. Each have their own dress code, although there are more possibilities and variations in Black Tie. The idea of a dress code is to have as little variations as possible. When done well, it makes for a beautiful formal picture. The risk is looking too much like everyone rented there suits in the same place. That doesn’t excuse blue ruffled shirts or pink tuxedo’s though, these have little to do with black tie.

Black Tie is defined as:

A black or midnight blue dinner jacket. It can be either single or double-breasted. Traditionally there are two lapel options; peaked (the most traditional) or shawl, which is more romantic and relaxed. Notched collars come from business suits and are traditionally not part of black tie. Many companies will try to sell these as they are easier to make, but they often look cheaper and less formal as well.

The facing should be sating or grosgrain. It can have either vents or no vents, but without vents is more formal. The black trousers should match the jacket in material, with a single braid along the side in the same material as the facing. When wearing a single breasted jacket the waist should be covered either by a cummerbund or waistcoat in the same material.

Black tie shirts should be white with a piqué or pleated front. The collar can be wing collar, although this is now becoming more and more a part of white tie, or turn-down. A French cuff for cufflinks finish the shirt. Black Tie is finished by a Black Tie [sic!] and black patent or highly polished shoes. Accessories include black or white silk suspenders, cufflinks, a white silk or linen handkerchief. In summer or tropical climates a white or ivory jacket is possible as well.


White Tie

White Tie is even more conventional, especially where cut of coat, vest and collar are concerned. The Coat (Cul-de-Pie in French)is the most visible part of white tie. Black wool is the norm but midnight blue is equally correct (although less traditional, this colour was worn by the Duke of Windsor). The front of the coat ends slightly below the waist and tails fall behind the knees or just slightly below. There is only one kind of lapel which are peaked lapels faced in satin or grosgrain, the latter considered more refined. The buttons ought to be faced in the same fabric as lapel facings. Trousers colour and material should match coat with two narrow stripes or one wide stripe of satin, grosgrain or braid along seams They should be cut for suspenders; high enough rise for waistband to be covered by short waistcoat.

The full-dress waistcoat features a deep V-shaped opening. It requires precise tailoring as it must be cut low enough that it does not extend below the bottom of the tailcoat’s front yet long enough to cover the trouser waistband (Don’t be like Bush and wear your waistcoat so it extends below the coat). You have a little leeway with the vest. While it must be white cotton pique, and low in front, it can be either single- or double-breasted. Vive la difference!

Like the bottoms of the waistcoat's fronts, the bottoms of the revers (lapels) can also be square-cut or rounded although points are the most common. Unlike jackets, formal waistcoats do not have collars that attach to their lapels. The single-breasted model closes with three buttons while the double-breasted version usually takes four buttons. The buttons are self-faced in piqué or they can be replaced with formal waistcoat studs.

Next to the tailcoat, the full-dress shirt is arguably the most important component in creating White Tie's regal bearing. The shirt must be a white wing collar shirt with a stiff front: no ruffles or pleats. The classic full-dress shirt commands a military-like formality with a stiff and simple bosom made from plain linen, plain cotton or piqué (marcella in the UK). This bib-shaped double layer of fabric is heavily starched which can cause the shirtfront to billow out like a sail when the wearer sits down and the excess material has nowhere else to go. In order to avoid this conundrum, the properly tailored bosom is designed to end just above the trouser waist and just inside the suspenders.

The collar of the full-dress formal shirt is distinguished not just by its folded wings but also by its height. Originally, these detachable wing collars stood nearly as high as the wearer's jaw line and even today they should extend at least three quarters of an inch above the coat collar. This most formal style of shirt takes stiff barrel cuffs as they, like the collar's height, were intended to show more than the softer French-style double cuffs. These cuffs are intended to be fastened with links instead of buttons. They are made of plain linen or cotton or they can be in piqué to match the shirt’s bosom.

The tie must be a white pique bow. No exceptions—ever. This is important. One of the ways that the British aristocracy used to remind servants of their place was to force them to dress in formal clothes that were similar, but just different. This was most often accomplished by making them pair the wrong garments together. For instance, a black tie with a tailcoat. That just screams “waiter!

Shoes should be black pumps or pain-toed oxfords of either patent leather or highly polished calf leather. The hat should be a black silk top hat which may be collapsible - a tradition which arose from the fact that opera houses traditionally lacked a cloak room to hand in a top hat. The overcoat should be a dark Chesterfield overcoat, Inverness cloak, or an opera cloak. White gloves were traditionally considered essential. A silk scarf and cane are optional extras.

Although female dress is not as formally codified as that of men, where white tie is prescribed women are generally expected to wear full-length dresses such as ball gowns. Depending on the formality of the event, bare shoulders may or may not be acceptable. Shawls and long gloves are common accessories. At the most formal balls, ball gowns are often required to be white. At hunt balls, gowns are often required to be black, white, silver or gold.

-R-

In wedding affairs, guys are often, if not afterthoughts, at least relatively neglected Yet we’re half of the show, so to speak. And thus, I demand an equal part in the wedding planning. It seems to be reversed emancipation. Men standing up for their rights. I envision men picketing for an equal voice in the wedding planning, threatening to call of the show, if they don’t get an equal vote. Grooms giving speeches that begin with “I had a dream…” Okay, maybe not. Luckily I have a very open-minded girlfriend, correction fiancée, who not only minds me getting my part in the wedding planning, but actually expects it.

Many men do not like to think about the wedding planning though, not even where their own part is concerned. I take clothing as an example. Now, men want to look their best for their wedding. They do not want to let down their brides. They are dimly aware that there are traditions that somehow govern these things, and they feel a vague desire to follow those traditions. But they are not sure what the traditions are, or where to turn to find out.

I did have a good sense of what I wanted, and to my relief, it happens to be what my fiancée wants as well, which is a formal wedding. And with a formal wedding comes formal wedding attire. Formal weddings are going rapidly out of style, in the BENELUX anyway. Many brides, but especially grooms cringe at the thought of having to put them in formal attire. Which is a shame, really, because they miss the advantages of formal attire, focusing only on the negatives.

A Cigar Aficionado article titled “Going Formal” once observed that one of the primary drawbacks of discarding rules for appropriate dress is that “unbridled freedom often leads to chaos, confusion, frustrations and terrible insecurity.” Debrett's New Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners - Britain's authoritative etiquette guide – echoes these sentiments in the quotation at the top of this page. However, the book's author also points out that the tide is turning:

This is because of two fundamental human instincts that have been overlooked by the slobs. One is the ancient need of people to decorate themselves, which started long before the first murmuring of civilisation and continues today. The other is our very natural wish to please others, be admired by our peers and attract a mate. Add to this the security that a few unwritten rules can bring, and the enduring need for dressing up becomes clear.

In addition to providing clarity and self-confidence, prescribed attire also helps to generate a sense of occasion. It is therefore ironic that the appearance of the dress codes on an invitation causes panic in so many men. Grooms of the world unite! Formal dress not only gives a beautiful harmony to a wedding, it also shows you as a true Gentleman (note the capital G). Wear it proud, and you show the world that the wedding is as important to you as it is to her. You show everybody that she accompanies you, a true and proper Gentleman, instead of a boy, sadly lacking in style or sense of etiquette to show up in daily business attire.

Ok back to the clothing. As I said I had a pretty good sense of what I wanted, and what it would entail. However, I am not a walking encyclopedia and and if I had to convey to others (at least the witnesses, master of ceremony and my parents) what I wanted, I needed to be sure about the dress codes. As with anything on the web though, information is sadly confusing and contradicting. After quite a bit of research I know more about dress codes than I would have liked. For those of you that want to know, and for those family members, friends and acquientences reading this, a quick lesson in dress etiquette.

Formal and semi-formal each have their own sets of rules based on time of day. Informal is mostly the same all day and night.

Most weddings are in the daytime, so it makes sense to start here. Plus, it’s chronological.

The traditional garb for the groom and the wedding part and even the guests is the morning coat. This is the granddaddy of all male wedding attire.

Strictly speaking, this garment is not merely wedding wear. It’s formal day wear, worn for any ceremonial occasion in daylight hours that requires full dress. However, aside from a tea party at Palace Noordeinde, or a diplomatic reception, few will ever wear it aside from a wedding or funeral, if ever.

The configuration of the morning suits is as follows: the most traditional version has peaked lapels and only one front button. There are other configurations as well. I wouldn’t exactly call them incorrect, but I would steer you to one-button peak, as it is the most formal and classic. And in any case, you won’t be able to find anything else unless you go to a bespoke tailor. Not that finding a morning coat off the rack is exactly easy these days.

Color: (this is important!): It can only be black or gray. And if gray, either oxford gray, or else a mid-gray which I will get to in a moment. Oxford gray is a very dark gray that looks almost black. So why not just make it black? What’s the difference? Well, maybe not much. But apparently the gray version takes the light better.

The trousers are a special kind of stripe that Savile Row tailors call “cashmere stripes” even though they have always been wool and never cashmere. It’s a fancy, black, gray and silver multistripe. Alternatives include a dark ground chalk stripe or a fancy check:
Always stay in the gray-silver-black family, however.

Now, there is an alternative. The mid grey coat I mentioned takes matching trousers. This “morning suit” was once considered too informal for anything but the racetrack.
In more recent years, this outfit has come to be seen as acceptable for a summer wedding:
The trousers don’t take cuffs. Cuffs are, in fact, never suppose to be seen on formal wear. A vest is included. It can be single or double breasted, but double looks much better. The color should be light: either dove gray or off white or (perhaps best of all) “buff”, a sort of creamy yellow. The traditional material was linen, but wool boxcloth will do, and might be better for winter. One caveat: the vest should match (same cloth) the coat and trousers. So if one is wool, all of them are. Modern combinations often show a morning coat with silk vest. While technically incorrect, it can look fantastic.

Shirts are a fraught question. The traditional shirt was a wing collar formal shirt, worn with an ascot. Wing collar shirts are called ‘father murderers’ in the Netherlands for good reason, proper ones (detachable and well stiffened) chafe and are uncomfortable. Also there are few companies who still make them, or clean them for that matter (with proper stiffening)

Not so practical. The good news is that there is an alternative. A turn down collar shirt—that is, a shirt that looks much like a business shirt—is perfectly acceptable and elegant alternative.

The truly correct footwear with a morning coat is a pair highly polished dress balmoral boots or jodhpur boots.

Top it of with fob or pocket watch cane, gloves and top hat (should match the dress), spats are a traditional accessory as are a white linen handkerchief.

As for the guests: Just as a host or hostess can show consideration towards guests by providing clear dress guidelines, so does a guest return the favor by being mature enough to honor them. As Debretts author John Morgan so eloquently points out “by being seen to make an effort you are paying your host or hostess a great compliment, as well as making yourself look your most attractive. After all, the short time required for getting yourself dressed is negligible compared with the hours the hostess might have put in preparing the party.”

The next blog entry is going to be about the formal evening attire.

After walking for nearly a week with a ring in my pocket I proposed to Marie on Saturday evening, just after ten 'o clock. Initially I wanted to ask her on New Year's Evening, to ask if she wanted the start of the new year to be the start of our lives together. However I didn't have the ring yet. It wasn't ready in time and so I had to find another moment.

That moment came last week. While my birthday is the 8th of January, I celebrated my birthday with Marie on the 17th with a nice romantic weekend together in a little castle hotel in Zeist nearby Utrecht. Her surprise present for my birthday was a gourmet 4-course dinner in the Wilhelminapark Restaurant. Little did she know that it provided the perfect setting for the big question.

And a perfect setting it was.

Seldom have I dined this good. From the cod poached in red beets on a bed of cooked cauliflower with nutmeg foam to the dessert of Bavarois (Bavarian Creme)of Raspberry and olives with Pistachio ice cream it was superb. The wines and champagne delicate and soft, and the setting gentle and calm.

Near the end of the dinner Marie marked on how delightfull she found it, how much she enjoyed to be together by saying "I wish every day of our lives is like this" and "I just want us to be together like this forever".

I could've asked her there and then, the moment was perfect, but for the presence of the other diners, few as they were. I didn't want to to it in public. This was our moment, not theirs. It was not a sense of jealously exactly, but any other presence was an intrusion. After the dinner I asked Marie if she wanted to go for a small walk in the park the restaurant was located in. The outside air was crisp but clear and the night was beautifull, with few clouds and the stars out. Under a big oak tree in the park (because she didn't want to sit down on one of the benches) I asked her if the had meant what she said, that she really wanted us to be together forever. She said "Yes, I'd love that". Kneeling, I then proceeded to ask her if she wanted to marry me then. Grinning, thinking I made a joke, she said "sure". But when I reached in my pocket to take out the ring, it changed to a Gasp and "What, No, Really, Oh My God, YES, OF COURSE.... YES! I DO! Oh My God, Really...Really Owwwww!

I think she was surprised....

And with that we were engaged. We enjoyed the rest of the evening together, we went to Holland Casino in Utrecht, and then in the hotel, the night, and the next morning. And we are still enjoying it. Marie is excited as only women can be about the wedding, but admittedly I am too. I didn't ask her because she wants to be married, I asked because I want her to marry me. I like the idea of being married, have never doubted that I would. But I am also looking forward to the wedding, the fun of planning it, arranging all the details, and the day itself. And I don't need Marie to say Yes. I only have to take a look at the sparkle in her eyes, at her face, at her whole being to know the answer.

-R-